"When Books Attack"
By: Bedtime Tale @GO
(How Hortense’s Love for the Duke and The Care and Feeding of Small Pets Fell in Love)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Lily Cross had been kidnapped by books.
Perhaps that was a little melodramatic. In all honesty, she was trapped somewhere in the library, wandering the aisles of shelves and trying to find her way back to the front. She had gotten mixed up somewhere in the 300s – social sciences – and now she was in the Qs in fiction. Who organized this place anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be in alphabetical order? Theoretically, she could follow the shelves and get back, except all of the books kind of looked the same, and she was pretty sure that she had walked by the same sitting area three times. They could have at least color-coded it or something.
“Rune!” she tried, whispering loudly. You couldn’t yell in a library, after all, even if there wasn’t a librarian. It just wasn’t done.
There was no answer and not a peep from the books. Lily frowned – she was starting to get hungry, and what if she was lost overnight? She wasn’t sure that she could eat the decorative potted plants, and she didn’t particularly want to try. Were books edible? Immediately, she dismissed the idea – eating a book seemed like sacrilege, and besides, the books here were just as likely to bite back if she tried.
Aha! Why hadn’t she thought of it before?
Lily grabbed a book off of one of the shelves, flipping it open to somewhere in the middle.
“-and it was upon her return to the castle that Hortense began to feel the effects of the poison,” the book said, hushed. “She fell ill, taking to her bed and-“
“Excuse me,” Lily said. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but can you tell me where I am?”
The book gave an annoyed huff. “Halfway through chapter fifteen,” it said. “Honestly, you can’t start in the middle, you don’t know what’s going on! You missed the marriage of the High King Lucas, and that was such a wonderful chapter, you really should start at the beginning.”
“I mean in the library, not in the story,” Lily replied, trying to remain polite.
“Oh, are you lost, dear?” the book suddenly seemed more sympathetic.
“No,” Lily said quickly. “I mean. I’m just a little turned around, I could find my way out, but I’m so hungry and it’s making it hard to think.”
The silence the book gave her clearly said that it didn’t quite believe her. “Well, you’re in the Qs,” it said. “A bit further in front of you is the Ps, and if you take a left you’ll hit the Ts. Now, would you like to start from the beginning or shall I continue?”
“Um, that was all I needed, thank you,” Lily said, giving the book a smile. Wait, could the book see her? She didn’t see any eyes, but that didn’t mean it was blind.
The book let out an indignant shriek. “You opened me and you’re not even going to read? How rude!”
“I’m so sorry,” Lily said. “To be honest, period romances don’t quite interest me and-“
“And now you’re calling me boring! Oh, if I had tear ducts I would simply cry!” the book wailed. “You’re a very rude girl, opening a book and asking directions, starting in the middle of the story, calling me boring!”
“T-technically I didn’t start in the middle because I’m not reading…”
It was clearly the wrong thing to say, as the book wailed again. There was a grumble to her left and then a murmur along the shelves that Lily could barely hear, though she managed to catch snippets and bits of words – “What a rude girl!” “How ungrateful, not even reading a chapter…” “Well, starting in the middle is better than reading the end first, I suppose.” – and sighed.
“What if I take you with me?” Lily offered.
The book finally stopped wailing. “You mean you’ll check me out? Take me out of the library?”
“Yes,” Lily said. “I can’t promise I’ll read you.”
“But you’d try? Even though you find me boring?”
Lily chewed on her lip. “It’s not that I find you boring, I find elements of the story boring… and really, that’s not your fault, it’s the author’s, isn’t it?”
“I suppose…” The book didn’t seem too convinced.
Had she been a less polite person, Lily would have groaned aloud. “I’ll try to read you,” she said. “But I’m not promising that I’ll enjoy it.”
The book brightened. “Oh, that’s alright! Tell me, will you put me on a bookshelf? With other books I haven’t met yet? I do love to share my story, and the rest of the Qs have heard it already. You know, I’m really quite popular, ask for Hortense’s Love for the Duke and they’ll tell you all about me-“
“That’s wonderful,” Lily said quickly, and started walking again. Now, though, she was trapped in a library while hungry and accompanied by a talking book that she didn’t want to read. Really she was beginning to think that she was going to have to try and eat the plants – she just hoped they didn’t talk too.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour of walking thanks to the book telling her all about the romantic comedy in the Ps that it had been talking to – and didn’t she think that they would make a lovely little sequel together, a bit of history and comedy all mixed together – she plopped down on the ground. A stack of books nearby toppled thanks to a brush of her wing, all letting out similar squeals of alarm. “Sorry,” she said, making no move to pick them up – she was tired.
“Oh, have you decided to take a break?” the book asked. “Perhaps you could read the synopsis on my dust jacket? I’m rated four stars by at least three magazines and I have a forward by the author of Wings of Passionate Love – “
“Maybe in a little bit,” Lily said, cutting the book off. Her stomach rumbled and she sighed, pouting. She closed her eyes, leaning back against the shelves and tilting her head back to look up at the ceiling. When she opened them again, she startled, shrieking and dropping Hortense.
“Ow!” said the book. “Really, was that necessary?”
“How long have you been there?” Lily demanded. Rune was perched on the top of the bookshelf, resting his chin on his arms and looking at her.
He shrugged. “Since we’ve been here.” He lifted a book beside him, giving it a wave. “I’ve been reading about the proper way to care for small pets while waiting for you. Would you prefer a bedding of newspaper or wood chips?”
“Excuse me, I’m still on the floor!” the book shouted.
“Rune, I’m hungry, and the books are holding me hostage,” Lily said, ignoring Hortense. “And I think you just called me a small pet.”
“You mean you’re lost.” Rune sat up, grabbing his book and fluttering down to stand by her on the ground. “Come on.” He held out a hand to help her to her feet. Lily took it, grabbing the book as an afterthought.
“Thank you!” it said. “It’s about time – I was afraid you were going to leave me there to yellow!”
“Oh, I’m terrified of yellowing…” Rune’s book said, and looked as though it would give a shudder if it were able. “I have illustrations, you see, I don’t want them to lose their color.”
“Oo, illustrations!” Hortense sounded impressed. “I’m afraid all I have is the front cover, but he’s a rather handsome duke, isn’t he? At least…” The book seemed suddenly bashful. “Well, I think he is. I describe him as ‘dark, with a stormy sort of attractiveness.’”
“I think he’s very handsome,” Rune’s book said. “Do you have any small pets in your story? A rabbit, maybe?”
“Oh yes,” Hortense said quickly. “But… I could always use more…”
“I can’t wait to hear your story.”
Lily looked at Rune. “I think our books just fell in love,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. The books ignored her, chatting away.
Rune shrugged. “At least it’s stopped talking about the various kinds of food pellets for hamsters.”
(How Hortense’s Love for the Duke and The Care and Feeding of Small Pets Fell in Love)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Lily Cross had been kidnapped by books.
Perhaps that was a little melodramatic. In all honesty, she was trapped somewhere in the library, wandering the aisles of shelves and trying to find her way back to the front. She had gotten mixed up somewhere in the 300s – social sciences – and now she was in the Qs in fiction. Who organized this place anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be in alphabetical order? Theoretically, she could follow the shelves and get back, except all of the books kind of looked the same, and she was pretty sure that she had walked by the same sitting area three times. They could have at least color-coded it or something.
“Rune!” she tried, whispering loudly. You couldn’t yell in a library, after all, even if there wasn’t a librarian. It just wasn’t done.
There was no answer and not a peep from the books. Lily frowned – she was starting to get hungry, and what if she was lost overnight? She wasn’t sure that she could eat the decorative potted plants, and she didn’t particularly want to try. Were books edible? Immediately, she dismissed the idea – eating a book seemed like sacrilege, and besides, the books here were just as likely to bite back if she tried.
Aha! Why hadn’t she thought of it before?
Lily grabbed a book off of one of the shelves, flipping it open to somewhere in the middle.
“-and it was upon her return to the castle that Hortense began to feel the effects of the poison,” the book said, hushed. “She fell ill, taking to her bed and-“
“Excuse me,” Lily said. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but can you tell me where I am?”
The book gave an annoyed huff. “Halfway through chapter fifteen,” it said. “Honestly, you can’t start in the middle, you don’t know what’s going on! You missed the marriage of the High King Lucas, and that was such a wonderful chapter, you really should start at the beginning.”
“I mean in the library, not in the story,” Lily replied, trying to remain polite.
“Oh, are you lost, dear?” the book suddenly seemed more sympathetic.
“No,” Lily said quickly. “I mean. I’m just a little turned around, I could find my way out, but I’m so hungry and it’s making it hard to think.”
The silence the book gave her clearly said that it didn’t quite believe her. “Well, you’re in the Qs,” it said. “A bit further in front of you is the Ps, and if you take a left you’ll hit the Ts. Now, would you like to start from the beginning or shall I continue?”
“Um, that was all I needed, thank you,” Lily said, giving the book a smile. Wait, could the book see her? She didn’t see any eyes, but that didn’t mean it was blind.
The book let out an indignant shriek. “You opened me and you’re not even going to read? How rude!”
“I’m so sorry,” Lily said. “To be honest, period romances don’t quite interest me and-“
“And now you’re calling me boring! Oh, if I had tear ducts I would simply cry!” the book wailed. “You’re a very rude girl, opening a book and asking directions, starting in the middle of the story, calling me boring!”
“T-technically I didn’t start in the middle because I’m not reading…”
It was clearly the wrong thing to say, as the book wailed again. There was a grumble to her left and then a murmur along the shelves that Lily could barely hear, though she managed to catch snippets and bits of words – “What a rude girl!” “How ungrateful, not even reading a chapter…” “Well, starting in the middle is better than reading the end first, I suppose.” – and sighed.
“What if I take you with me?” Lily offered.
The book finally stopped wailing. “You mean you’ll check me out? Take me out of the library?”
“Yes,” Lily said. “I can’t promise I’ll read you.”
“But you’d try? Even though you find me boring?”
Lily chewed on her lip. “It’s not that I find you boring, I find elements of the story boring… and really, that’s not your fault, it’s the author’s, isn’t it?”
“I suppose…” The book didn’t seem too convinced.
Had she been a less polite person, Lily would have groaned aloud. “I’ll try to read you,” she said. “But I’m not promising that I’ll enjoy it.”
The book brightened. “Oh, that’s alright! Tell me, will you put me on a bookshelf? With other books I haven’t met yet? I do love to share my story, and the rest of the Qs have heard it already. You know, I’m really quite popular, ask for Hortense’s Love for the Duke and they’ll tell you all about me-“
“That’s wonderful,” Lily said quickly, and started walking again. Now, though, she was trapped in a library while hungry and accompanied by a talking book that she didn’t want to read. Really she was beginning to think that she was going to have to try and eat the plants – she just hoped they didn’t talk too.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour of walking thanks to the book telling her all about the romantic comedy in the Ps that it had been talking to – and didn’t she think that they would make a lovely little sequel together, a bit of history and comedy all mixed together – she plopped down on the ground. A stack of books nearby toppled thanks to a brush of her wing, all letting out similar squeals of alarm. “Sorry,” she said, making no move to pick them up – she was tired.
“Oh, have you decided to take a break?” the book asked. “Perhaps you could read the synopsis on my dust jacket? I’m rated four stars by at least three magazines and I have a forward by the author of Wings of Passionate Love – “
“Maybe in a little bit,” Lily said, cutting the book off. Her stomach rumbled and she sighed, pouting. She closed her eyes, leaning back against the shelves and tilting her head back to look up at the ceiling. When she opened them again, she startled, shrieking and dropping Hortense.
“Ow!” said the book. “Really, was that necessary?”
“How long have you been there?” Lily demanded. Rune was perched on the top of the bookshelf, resting his chin on his arms and looking at her.
He shrugged. “Since we’ve been here.” He lifted a book beside him, giving it a wave. “I’ve been reading about the proper way to care for small pets while waiting for you. Would you prefer a bedding of newspaper or wood chips?”
“Excuse me, I’m still on the floor!” the book shouted.
“Rune, I’m hungry, and the books are holding me hostage,” Lily said, ignoring Hortense. “And I think you just called me a small pet.”
“You mean you’re lost.” Rune sat up, grabbing his book and fluttering down to stand by her on the ground. “Come on.” He held out a hand to help her to her feet. Lily took it, grabbing the book as an afterthought.
“Thank you!” it said. “It’s about time – I was afraid you were going to leave me there to yellow!”
“Oh, I’m terrified of yellowing…” Rune’s book said, and looked as though it would give a shudder if it were able. “I have illustrations, you see, I don’t want them to lose their color.”
“Oo, illustrations!” Hortense sounded impressed. “I’m afraid all I have is the front cover, but he’s a rather handsome duke, isn’t he? At least…” The book seemed suddenly bashful. “Well, I think he is. I describe him as ‘dark, with a stormy sort of attractiveness.’”
“I think he’s very handsome,” Rune’s book said. “Do you have any small pets in your story? A rabbit, maybe?”
“Oh yes,” Hortense said quickly. “But… I could always use more…”
“I can’t wait to hear your story.”
Lily looked at Rune. “I think our books just fell in love,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. The books ignored her, chatting away.
Rune shrugged. “At least it’s stopped talking about the various kinds of food pellets for hamsters.”